My heart always knows more than my mind. When I was finally seen for who I am for the first time in my life, I knew what I was missing all along and who I was supposed to be.

I have always been non-binary / pangender. Yet when I initially came out as trans I felt I had to be as masculine as I could be. There were so many reasons. The biggest reason being our gendered society and laws. What restroom would I start using with a beard? I didn’t want to make women feel unsafe and I could see as I presented more masculine how I was perceived as a threat, so I put myself in men’s spaces. It was very difficult for me. I prioritized other’s comfort over my own, even in transitioning. Being transgender, often our treatments and social rules are meant to do that same thing– prioritize the viewers’ comfort over the transgender person’s comfort in their authentic identity. “Passing” is priority but how does one “pass” as non-binary?

I lived with people and in situations that were unstable and my vulnerable feminine side was punished or minimized in those places. There were many people in my life who physically and symbolically destroyed my feminine side, while also wanting more of it, especially the parts that they benefited from. When I was running my clothing line and dressing for the lifestyle, I was treated the worst by far– while simultaneously chased & adored. It distorted my view of myself to the point I wanted to hide more than ever. I found web design as a career I could disappear into without being looked out, without being needed for anything but what my hands with design sense could put into a computer. My body and face could be invisible and my mind could be free for once. I could support myself, live alone and need no one.

Long before I came out as trans I struggled with being treated as a woman. Before I found fashion, being perceived was painful. First I found euphoria in vintage, antiquated clothing that made me feel beautiful and made women want to talk to me but made creepy men assume I was unavailable and a prude (a great situation to me). Then later, with bright hair, piercings, & edgy clothing that all signaled I wasn’t as feminine as my face and body would lead on and also that I was certainly not to be bothered. Wherever I went all my life everyone stares, comments behind my back, tries to get me to interact.. it was exhausting and draining. Even dressing for myself in a way I thought that was uninviting, I was bothered. I wore headphones, sunglasses. I assumed all women hated that treatment the same so it was just a woman’s experience, I didn’t know what I was experiencing was actually so intense because it was also dysphoria– word I never heard until I was over 30. I just focused on my career so I didn’t have to think about it, money to me meant not relying on men or anyone, so it was all I cared about most of my adult life.

For years I found safety and opportunity in male dominated spaces where their privilege protected me and lifted me up. But I never processed that the safety I was given was contingent on them wanting more from me than was on the surface. The extra, unnecessary, kind gestures were expectations on me. I just wanted to be in the same room like anyone else who knew about the technologies. I saw men as peers, they saw me as “in the way” or entertainment. Being torn by both genders in these spaces took its toll on me. I did everything I could do find a job where I could work remotely and be even less perceived than before.

In part of hiding, I married my best friend. We left the city and moved to my small mountain hometown. In hiding with her, we both found our gender dysphoria and euphoria. We started hormones together, went to appointments together. While I got surgeries I needed I still felt like nothing was healing the dysphoria. Giving up my fertility because my periods were literally killing me was the hardest thing I ever did and it has left wounds on my heart that I don’t think will ever heal. The bottom surgeries available to me don’t appeal to me and I know they will only make me feel worse about my body. I just wish I was born a man and could be on whatever hormones make me comfortable through my life. When I told doctors about this, they have no advice but coping skills.

When I started transitioning, I just let my male side take the wheel. Being a man is very freeing emotionally, you can literally avoid feeling a lot of things. It feels invisible and safe because nobody sees you but also intensely lonely. Being a woman was lonely because I could never trust what anyone said, if they wanted more from me or devalued me because of my gender. I think I’m meant to understand both sides and that being this gender is important, I hold both sides perspectives. People tell me they learn from me all the time.

While I felt better in some ways transitioning, it didn’t fix major issues for me like being comfortable in public. I was still actively shrinking myself to exist. The dysphoria and euphoria was worse than ever and was a lot of stress on me, my career, & my relationships, especially for my wife. Like many trans couples, those transitioning stresses and stresses of life took their toll. After almost ten years together, my wife left. So I filled my empty home to the brim with foster dogs to fill the hole in my heart. A year and a half later I’m putting boundaries to get my life back from animal rescue. (All but two of the 60+ dogs I fostered are now in new loving homes, by the way, would you like to adopt??) Getting a scared or aggressive dog to be sweet, loving and adoptable was an addiction that kept me from feeling the worst of the pain of what I was going through– but also stopped me from actually processing it. When I finally did it hit me like a truck.

I decided I was done with love forever. But that’s the time that it’ll always find you. I met someone whose ability to see me as I truly, completely am broke me– and rebuilt me anew. Every hurt from my past healed. Every wish I hold, a promise for my future. Just because of what we mean to each other, real magic & medicine was made out of nothing.

Safety, support, and community completely changes a person. My world was getting smaller and darker until I came out as a trans and started forming relationships that helped me to be myself. I started to be active in my community and actually go out to meet new people. We all need community more. But once I finally had people who saw me for who I am, bringing my non-binary side to the light felt like the most natural thing to do.

I stopped hurting from being perceived. I’m not bothered by people wanting to interact with me, almost needing to. I love making someone smile, think something different, change their day or mind. I think that is what I was meant to do. But I didn’t for too long.

Being transgender is sacred. Being non-binary & pangender is sacred. Being beautiful is sacred. Being in love is sacred. I have been hiding myself behind screens and in remote mountains to avoid being perceived or to feel and that is the very thing that makes me who I am.

I’m building my life with intention now and holding onto all the parts that make me who I am. I appreciate my journey, I enjoy being on both hormones. I love my voice & adam’s apple. My face, hair and figure are still similar yet more myself than ever. I feel powerful & beautiful. When I was just one or the other gender, I never felt I was either of those things.

When both sides of me are connected, it’s electric.

Volta⚡Rae